October 6, 2008
re: hertz is not exactly great at customer service
After thinking about my issues with Hertz from a few weeks ago I decided to give the company a second chance. I figured the only way to get something done was to write the company again. I figured the best plan of attack was to respond to the form letter they sent me.
Dear Form Email,Believe it or not they wrote me back. This time they had money in hand!
Thanks for replying to my concerns via Form Email. There's nothing like receiving poor customer service and then being treated like a Robot. Why not just send me binary code next time or even better send an audio email in PlainTalk. I have posted my experience on my website under the aptly titled "Hertz is Not Exactly Great at Customer Service." I posted it a few weeks ago and it's been a real traffic generator.
Believe it or not I'm actually looking to rent a car later this month and this would be an excellent opportunity for you to redeem yourself. I would even write about Hertz's redemption. It's kind of a story about one man's fight against corporate form letters. It's got a nice ring to it.
The ball is in your court Hertz. You own me a half day's pay (or $100) for your employee's incompetence. I'm "not exactly" expecting much after this debacle.
Nemov
Dear Mr. Nemov,Perhaps "money" is a strong word. Now I'm tempted to write back again because the above email seems like a Form Letter as well. It's like someone (let's call the person Shirley) is sitting in front of a computer and reading complaints. Shirly reads the message and decides to send one of two emails, Option A or Obtion B. Option A is the first message I received. It's worthless, but they say they'll "talk to those involved." It's supposed to satisfy my anxiety about the situation in a Neville Chamberlain sort of way. I'm sure there's a regression analysis out there somewhere that says Option A works X% of the time.
We regret our first correspondence did not meet your expectations. We appreciate the opportunity to review this matter again.
We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience you experienced in Bradenton. Because of the inconvenience you experienced, $50.00 in Hertz coupons are being sent to you under separate cover. They are valid for rental pickup through December 31, 2009 and may be used at any participating Worldwide rent-a-car location.
Again, we apologize for the inconvenience we caused you. We hope you will allow us the opportunity to serve you again so we can regain your complete confidence in Hertz.
Sincerely,
Shirley McEver
Customer Relations Administrator
OKC Customer Relations
The Hertz Corporation
P.O. Box 26120
14501 Hertz Quail Springs Parkway
Oklahoma City, OK 73134
U.S. A.
Telephone: 888-777-6095, Ext. 4021
FAX: 405-290-2899
E-mail: CustomerRelations@Hertz.com
I'm not an Option A guy I guess so now Shirly has chosen Option B. Option B is $50 in Hertz coupons. Now I'm supposed to feel the sweet taste of victory. See I stuck it to the man and they gave me coupons! Coupons... the more I write this out the less victorious I feel. In fact, I feel empty. I feel like they wasted a perfectly good half vacation day. Is there an Option C? How many options are there? Option A was nothing. Option B was coupons. Could Option C be a free rental? I'll wait to see what the coupons say before I make any rash decisions.
Posted by nemov at 10:25 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 10, 2008
re: your atm card is ready for despatch
It's that time again. Another trip down the road of "fun with email." The latest entry is the old ATM card full of millions.
From: Oceanic Bank [mailto:oceanic.bank1993@yahoo.ca]Well, this time I'm not going to play along. It's time for me to fight back. I'm not sure who could read that email and actually think it's legitimate.
Sent: Wednesday, September 10, 2008 8:58 AM
To: Nemov
Subject: Re: YOUR ATM CARD IS READY FOR DESPATCH
I have a new email address!
You can now email me at: oceanic.bank1993@yahoo.ca
Re: YOUR ATM CARD IS READY FOR DESPATCH
- This is to officially inform to you that we have verified your contract/inheritance fund file and found out that you have not received your fund,you will receive it thru this ATM card,USD$9.5 MILLION forward your name, address and direct telephone number AND PLSS.RECONFIRM YOUR INFORMATION TO US COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION. Rev.D.Johnson
First of all I can't in good conscious actually call you Reverend. Second how dumb do you think I am? Your message reads likes a reply to an email I never sent and now you have a new email address? That's odd, it seems like every single Russian woman and every lost prince of Nigeria that emails me (for the first time) has a new email address. Now I know you could really care less about what I have to say since you know it's a scam, but I just like the fact my message clogs your mailbox.
See, I hope for just a split second you thought this was a legitimate lead. The thought of you sitting there at your spam computer, reading this message, comforts me.
I hope you have a pleasant day scamming people. It has to be a rewarding profession (stealing from people).
Posted by nemov at 12:19 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
August 25, 2008
more european millions
A few weeks ago I thought I had won the European lottery. I replied to the email and I never heard anything back. It was quite frustrating. Well, it looks like I won another lotto.
-----Original Message-----I'm not falling for this one again. I decided to get a little angrier this time around.
From: Congratulations!! You are a Winner [mailto:emlcspain@libero.it]
Sent: Sunday, August 24, 2008 12:20 PM
Subject: You won €610,000.00 Euros Call 34 634127280-
You won €610,000.00 Euros in Euro Million Lottery ,Please contact your Claim agent for processing/claim,mr. Frank Palacio,Email:frankpalacioo@aol.es,
mrs mariano pintos
Listen Pintos,
You can't keep busting my chops like this!! Just a couple of weeks ago I won another European lottery. I responded immediately but I've heard literally skadoosh since then... What are you guys trying to prove?
Can you please tell Mike (his email address is archivosecurities@aol.es) that he owes me 700,000 Euros? I'm basically living out of library. I gave my house away on Craiglist because I thought I was getting a check equal to the size of the GDP of Lesotho. Plus, did I mention the fact that my place of employment isn't exactly happy that I walked out. Try explaining that to your Japanese boss. Two words for you, Harry Carry.
Please pass my complaint over to your other cheese loving European friend.
Posted by nemov at 12:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
August 11, 2008
the euro million lotto
It's time again for one of my favorite activities, Fun With Email. The latest entry into the world a fake email is the good ole internet lottery. Here's the original email I received.
-----Original Message-----Perhaps some of the logic in these scams is lost in translation. This email is just confusing. I also love how they just throw in the name Mrs E. Gilbert at the end. Huh?
From: YOU HAVE WON THE EURO MILLION LOTTERY CONTACT YOUR CLAIM AGENT"
[mailto:elena_gilbert@libero.it]
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2008 1:36 PM
Subject: Attn:winner
Your Email address has won the sum of 700,000 Euros in an International Email Sweepstakes Program Cooporation held on the 18th of June 2008 in Spain.We write to officially notify you of this award and to advised you to contact your claim agent Mr Mike Patero. archivosecurities@aol.es, Tel:+34-634-092-297 (1)Coupon No:TY894652 (2)ticket No:9512EU21 Mrs E.Gilbert
-----Original Message-----I wrote this one a few weeks ago and I never heard back from the the lottery people. It's too bad because I was super excited about all that money. Oh well...
From: Nemov
Sent: Thursday, July 17, 2008 1:59 PM
To: 'archivosecurities@aol.es'
Subject: RE: Attn:winner
Mike,
HOLY COW STICK!! I can't believe I won! Mrs. E. Gilbert sent me the great news. She never even told me her first name. 700,000 Euros is like a gazillion dollars!! Why do you have an AOL account in Europe? That's a little strange, oh well. What do I have to do to claim this bullion? The first thing I'm going to do with this money is buy all the cheese in Wisconsin. I'm totally not even kidding about that. I will create a cheese empire unseen since the days of yore.
I have to admit I'm a tad bit worried about rats getting to my cheese stash, but I'm sure I'll have enough cash to secure my treasure.
Please let me know as soon as possible how I can collect. I've already tendered my resignation at work and sold my house on craigslist.
Thanks so much for choosing me. I've never even been to Euroland.
Sincerely yours,
Nemov
Posted by nemov at 5:22 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
May 20, 2008
another russian stranger
In the past I have taken a few occasions to write back the thoughtful people who send spam email. The Nigerian prince, the Haitian banker, and of course, the Russian female. I decided to write back to another Russian. My last encounter with Natalia left me empty and somewhat heartbroken. I guess she was scared away by my communist poetry. I got an email a few days ago that stirred my heart once more. Maybe this time I'll be luckier.
-----Original Message-----Nothing new here really. She doesn't give me her name, I have no clue where she is, but she really wants to share pictures with me so it can't be that bad. I decided to write back.
From: Amos Gardner [mailto:a-annk@aarising.com]
Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 7:53 AM
To: Mike
Subject: glad to hear you
Hello! I am tired this evening. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at Caroline@amongbegil.cn only, because I am using my friend's email to write this. Hope you wanna see my pics.
-----Original Message-----Well, I didn't hear back for a few days. I guess I was just thinking that perhaps she wasn't a big fan of Barack Obama. Maybe she's a racist, who knows. I can only assume the worst, but then this morning I opened my mailbox to find a lovely email from Anna. It's amazing but she's from Russia too! Imagine my luck, finding two women who want to move to the United States. Her letter looked a lot like the first one I got from Natalia. The events are a little different, but the theme is the same. The full text of the email plus pictures can be found here. She's looking for some American love but she says "I know that I am not so beautiful like Hollywood Princess but I do hope to meet my Prince and I am sure he will be not be disappoined to meet me in the real life!" Isn't that just amazing! I guess she's coming to the United States, but I wanted to warn her about all of our problems. President Bush has so obviously made us a third world country I don't understand why anyone would want to move here.
From: Mike
Sent: Friday, May 09, 2008 4:58 PM
To: Caroline@amongbegil.cn
Subject: Re: glad to hear you
HI!
Where are you from? It can be difficult to meet people in this town. The economy is now like the great depression, plus gas is so expensive. Sometimes I'm tired from worrying about climate change. Hopefully Barack Obama is elected in November so all these problems go away.
What do you do for a living? What's your name?
Michael
-----Original Message-----I can only hope that Anna takes my warnings seriously. This country isn't a land of opportunity. It's a nation of the starving homeless middle-class who live paycheck to paycheck. The skies are dark with the pollution from SUVs that fat white republicans drive. I'll have to point these facts out if she writes again.
From: Michael
Sent: Tuesday, May 20, 2008 7:47 AM
To: 'Anna'
Subject: RE: Re[2]: glad to hear you
Anna,
Thanks so much for writing me. I admire your bravery. Moving to a new place, especially a foreign country is a brave thing to do. Are you sure you want to move to the United States? Since George Bush was elected president my country has become a hopeless place. Perhaps you should wait to see if Barack Obama is elected first. Only then will my country truly have hope again.
Have you thought about moving to Canada? Since Bush caused the US Dollar to crash the Canadian Dollar is stronger. Plus, in Canada they have free universal health coverage. I know that since you're from Russia you'll probably love Hockey and Canada is a great place for that sport. There is one drawback though, it's melting thanks to Climate Change. Sometimes I wonder if there's anyone that can restore my hope in this dreadful world. Sometimes I dream about Barack Obama. I think he's the one.
I am willing to help you in any way possible. I'm not sure my money is worth anything outside the borders of the United States and we have to be careful because the Bush administration monitors all communication with the outside world.
Please keep me up to date.
Michael
Posted by nemov at 12:22 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
January 4, 2008
say what?
Sometimes I don't have to write anything to have fun with email. Some of my favorite emails are the poorly translated promotional tech specs from Asia. Normally anything from Korea is great. My all time favorite quote is "this pole can use with everyone the base." I'm still not exactly sure what's going on in that sentence. Today I received another classic bit of mistranslated literature (emphasis added).
d.gen Teleios, the original direct printing and fixation machine, manufacturers who want to make eye-catching flags and banners with photorealistic images of products can print directly on polyesters as easy as printing on papers. From today, with Teleios, no need calendar machine, no need paper, no need big operational space, no need fussy process of sublimation and skilful paper transfer operators either.Just for the record my enjoyment of these emails is not at the expense of the poor translator. I'm sure what's written above is a lot better than any English that I could translated to Korean; however, it's funny that a business to business email would be so bad.
Yetek is the largest manufacturer which has the largest history in this field and small-size flatbed inkjet printers, as well as having the longest history in this field. Yetek has tried to develop flatbed inkjet printing field that enable users to print out regardless of quality, size and shape of media, since its establishment in 2000 as a professional company for flatbed printing technology. Now, Yetek becomes the greatest power in the digital printing business field and has the top technical power in the field of flatbed inkjet printer which is the core technique in the field.
Posted by nemov at 5:51 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 1, 2007
from the diamond mining corporation of sierra-leone
It's time again for a little Fun with Email. Club Soda forwarded the email to me this time. It's been a few months since I've tried my hand with one of these emails. Here's just a little background before I begin. I borrowed a little bit from Fire the Grid posts to come up with this one.
From: hajara [mailto:hajaraac@yahoo.co.jp]I've never heard of a "plane clash" but I'm sure they're lethal. Anyway, no commentary needed, let the games begin!
Sent: Monday, October 01, 2007 1:31 PM
To: hajaraac@yahoo.co.jp
Subject: From Hajara.
FROM : Hajara Kumasu.
Abidjan, Cote d'ivoire.
I pray that this email reaches you in the best of health.
Dearest One,
I Miss Hajara intend to invest in your country.
There is this amount of US $10 million 700 hundred thousand Dollars (Ten million seven hundred thousand United State Dollars) which my late father kept for me in the Bank here in Abidjan before his untimely death in a plane clash. my father was a highly reputable busnness man He was the Director General National Gold and Diamond Mining Corporation of Sierra-Leone. who died on the 25th day of december 2003 in a plane clash on his visit to Benin. News Web Site For The Plane Clash.http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa
/12/26/benin.crash/index.html
Now I have decided to invest these money in your country or anywhere safe enough outside Africa as my father told me to do. I want you to help me transfer and invest this fund in your country for investment purposes. If you can be of a sincere assistance to me ,please do get back to me for more intimate details.
I await your soonest response.
Kind regards,
Miss Hajara Kumasu.
Hajara,
Thanks so much for taking the time to contact me. It is an honor to have a chance to help you on this matter. It turns out that I have a fabulous investment opportunity for you. As you know Mother Earth is being raped year after year by Mankind's endless drive for greed. This has created an unsustainable environment for future generations. Mother Earth is crying out. Fortunately there is an answer.
On July 17, 2007 and unprecedented event took place. Shelly Yates at the behest of the wise Light Beings helped the world Fire the Grid. Thousands of people across the globe were full of happy thoughts and the world was changed. Even now I can sense that tide has turned; however, there's still much work to do.
Shelly Yates is ready for the next step and it's Project Cause. This is where you come into the picture. 10 million dollars would go a long way in helping turn the world around. While I can't guarantee that there will be any return on investment at least you can help make a change. Think of our children, think of Mother Earth. You can be the change!!
Now there are some nasty rumors floating around about Shelly, but rest assured, Project Cause has nothing to do with intergalactic reptilian creatures. Those are nasty, dirty, lies.
Thanks again,
May the Earth Mother's tears cleanse your soul...
Michael
Posted by nemov at 7:34 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
September 10, 2007
ortegaleon mugulahool
For whatever reason I forgot to post this gem from back in March. We've all gotten emails like the one below from time to time. Unlike most people though, I actually write back. Who can forget my lovely Russian girlfriend Natalia? I have created a new category on the website called "fun with email" that has some my greatest hits. Here's an email I received from Patrick Estime.
-----Original Message-----This sounds like it's on the up and up. I guess since Mr. Estime isn't from Nigeria it supposed to be more credible. Here is my response.
from: pte001 [mailto:patestime@o2.pl]
Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 12:58 PM
To: patestime@o2.pl
Subject: Can I Trust You??
Sir,
I have sent you this mail because of the need to open discussions with you. I don't want you to misunderstand this offer in any aspect, if it is okay with you I ask for your full cooperation.
I am Mr. Patrick Estime a Haitian I wish to invest in a stable economy like that of your country, my interest is in companies with potentials for rapid growth in long Terms.
I am interested in investing part of my fund in your company, if your country's law allows foreign investors. I have a cash of Over Twenty Million US Dollars and I am ready to invest part of it with you, Pending when both of us agrees on a particular terms.
Please, get back to me with your reference. I want you to understand my seriousness in this case.
Regards,
Patrick Estime.
Patrick,
I am quite positive that you will not believe your eyes, but I am Haitian as well. Two decades ago, my papa brought me to the land of plenty to escape an oppressive voodoo chicken hex that my mother put on us. The details are scarce and my pa doesn't like to talk about it much, but it involves the highest levels of the Haitian government.
When we moved to the United States we changed our names. Perhaps you have heard of my pa? His name was Duncan Mugulahool. Unfortunately, he cannot communicate anymore due to severe case of homesickness. He's never been the same since mother levied the curse on us.
As a child I used to dream of America and perhaps one day playing baseball in the League of Majors. I know it sounds naïve, but as a young boy it was all I had, that an my pet chicken Louie Louie (named after the song). It's sad that mother used Louie Louie for the chicken hex... pardon my reflection into those sad times.
I will do all I can to help you in this matter. Where did you get all that money? Voodoo must run strong in your family. Are you the chieftain that the prophecy speaks of?
Please respond in due diligence
Ortegaleon Mugulahool
(my Haitian name)
Posted by nemov at 6:11 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
January 28, 2007
a letter from the privatization commission
A few months ago I had a love affair with Natalia from Russia. Unfortunately she couldn't handle my UFO past, and I would assume my employment as a municipal waste management supervisor (better known as a garbage man) was a problem as well. Natalia never wrote back, but her memory remains.
That doesn't stop the email scams from coming into my mailbox. Everyone has seen the African money wiring scam email. The sad thing is that the only reason this scam continues is because some people actually believe it. Here's my foray into this scam.
-----Original Message-----This doesn't hold the promise of the Natalia letters because love is not on the line. It's just the promise of good old fashion cash money that drives the recipient (me) to respond.
From: bob [mailto:bob65makama@yahoo.com]
Sent: Friday, January 26, 2007 12:14 PM
To: Info
Subject: private mail
Dear chairman/ceo,
We are going through a privatization exercise in the country. I am Mr Bob Makama,I have been directed by the director of the privatization commission, Mrs Irene Chigbue to make secret contact with a foreigner who will assist to secure some fund for her. This becomes necessary because she cannot keep the money in her name since she still head the commission as the director. If she deposit the money in her name, government will query the source.
I want to assure you that there is no risk in this because the money is commission from the privatization through her agent though we must keep it secret. Can you assist by securing the money and you will be adequately compensated.
Get back to me immediately.
Sincerely yours
Bob Makama
Bob,I wrote Jonga a few days ago and he hasn't written me back to inquire on the deal of a lifetime I offered. It's too bad, because six million dollars could go a long way in helping Mrs Irene Chigbue.
You won't believe this.... I think I might be able to help you. This information is very confidential and it is best that for the time being we use aliases in our email communication. For this reason, I will call you Jonga (which means, "barking dog" in a rural southern dialect).
Jonga, over the past five years I have swindled my company for more that six million dollars. The money has been wired into an offshore account, but due to law changes in the United States, I will have to find a new bank in which to keep the money. My research indicates that random emails from people like you are my best option. I know this seems unbelievable; I assure you that money is real.
Please let me know two or three banks that you would recommend for this transfer. A generous commission would be your compensation of course, and I look forward to your wisdom on this matter. Unfortunately, I cannot help you on your request because the United States has frozen my assets. Uncle Sam frowns on Cock Fighting. Despite my inability to help you with your problem, I hope that we can find some way of working together on my request.
Until next time,
Chachinga
(which means, "money in the bank" is parts of South Carolina)
Posted by nemov at 1:03 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
October 16, 2006
letters from natalia: chapter 4
It turns out my sweet Natalia has been getting around. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at this point especially considering the luck I've had with the ladies. I thought Natalia was different, but now the story is drifting towards the dramatic conclusion. Over the weekend my sweet Natalia wrote me two emails. Evidently she has moved into Moscow for the next couple of weeks to prepare for her move to the United States. I am relieved that she hates "evil people and politicians." This girl doesn't mess around she already is asking to move in with me.
I have some questions for you. The agency tells me that I will have an appartment in the hotel near the place where I'll be working, but if we fall in love will it be possible for us to live together in your place? I think that we will share all the life joy together.How come I get the feeling joy is another way of saying "a fool and his money are soon parted." This is off topic, but why is the fool gender exclusive? Why do we allow such bigoted stereotypes to persist? It should be "a fool and his/her money are soon parted." Yes, I digress. In Natalia's second email after talking about Moscow, people with crazy eyes, and terrorism, she wrote this lovely poem (bikini picture enclosed). Here's just a taste.
In pinetions long hopeless,How sweet is that? How did she know that bad poetry was the key to unlock my heart? However a quick Google search for "In pinetions long hopeless..." gives insight into how this whole escapade is going to play out. Marriage Agency Scams reveals the whore that my online girlfriend is, her picture can be found at the site as well as how the scam works. Since the scam works in a way that I anticipated, I'm going to follow this through until the triumphant conclusion. I have all the pawns in place; it's just a question now if Natalia will keep emailing me. Here is my latest email.
In alarms of noisy vanity,
The voice gentle sounded to me long
Also lovely fig dreamed.
And heart beat in ecstasy,
And for it have revived again
And a deity, and inspiration,
Both life, and happiness, and love
Natalia,
I'm sorry I am so slow to answer your messages. I had to go to Albuquerque for the annual UFO Awareness convention. It was kind of frustrating. So many people causally dismiss us as freaks and idiots. As I told you before I don't tell many people these things because I'm afraid they'll call me names. This is the third year I've gone to the convention and there weren't a lot of people around Friday night. Evidently, some TV show called Battlestar Galactica was on and that hurt the turn out for opening night. Nevertheless, it was very therapeutic to hear the stories of other abductees. I appreciate it very much that you can listen to me about what I have seen.
You asked me to send you my address and there's a slight problem. Mrs. Ellensworth will not allow me to use her mailing address. Ever since Mr. Ellensworth barely survived an anthrax laced letter she has been very apprehensive about giving people her mailing address. I don't blame her actually, it's a miracle that Ethan survived coming in contact with the deadly Anthrax. It made it that much more sad when he passed away from the lead poisoning. I really don't get mail very much so I don't have a mailing address. I like email, but I don't like envelopes. There is an international airport in Santa Fe, New Mexico.
I am so happy you are doing well in Moscow, and I look forward to talking to you more. Your poem was beautiful. However, one part disturbed me greatly. The line "And a deity, and inspiration, Both life, and happiness, and love" was chanted over and over by the horrific creatures that abducted me. Please tell me you are not connected to the aliens. I'm not sure my heart can take it.
Here is a poem I wrote just for you. I hope you like it.
Roses are red, Soviets are too
Maria Sharapova is hot
and she's a Russian like you
I guess that's more funny than romantic, but I tried.
MichaelEvery time I write one of these emails I expect this thing to die. Maybe this will end up with me getting beat up by organized crime. That would almost be a fitting end to the dramatic masterpiece. Will Natalia admit she's a scam, will she distance herself from aliens, how many terrible things happened to Ethan Ellensworth? Only time will unlock these mysteries.
Posted by nemov at 6:22 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 13, 2006
letters from natalia: chapter 3
The time has come for the third piece in my Russian love affair magnum opus. This story has everything all the classics have; humor, intrigue, drama, tragedy, and of course romance. Where is the story going? Who can say? I am but an actor in play that I cannot see the end. For me to continue this endeavor I have to go forward under the assumption that no matter how sad and tragic Natalia's story become, it's some kind of Internet scam. Her path is the road to despair, heartbreak, and ultimately a massive decrease in my savings account. It is with these things in mind I reveal the next chapter of "letters from Natalia".
I am usual girl. I am 25, my date of birthday is - 28 November, 1980. I hate getting older every day, when i see old people I am always thinking about my future. I am doing everything to keep in shape. I am working out frequently. I do a lot of excersices despite all the difficulties in my life. My height is approximately 175cm (5.6) and my weight is approximately 56kg. All other things you can see by my photos that I send to you. People tell me that I look good. I think every woman has its own beauty. I never married and do not have any children.
I am not a little girl and I know that almost all men are looking at the body, legs and face. God created the men like this. I hope you didn't get lost while reading my letter. I hope you understand what my goal is. If there is something you want to know then please don't affraid to ask. I want you to write me and tell me if you understand what my goal is, what my soul is all about and what I am looking for. If you don't understand me or you think that I am not the right girl for you then tell me so, so I can continue my search.
Like my last entry, to see everything she wrote click here. Plus there is a new set of pictures to go along with her new email. I'm actually kind of surprised I got a response to my last email. Rodents, and garbage, and lead poisoning, oh my! How do I go about topping that? The time has come to expand the story. Don't we all want to know more about Mr. Ellensworth? Was his life always so tragic? Where do I live, and what kind of things do I like? It's like a blank slate, and I could be anyone or anything.
Natalia,
Thanks for writing so soon and please do not apologize for your lack of internet prowess. Just recently, my area received internet for the first time. I live 120 miles North West of Artesia, New Mexico. There's not a lot of people out here, but that's the way I like it. You can learn a lot about yourself when there isn't anyone around. Last week I was walking not too far from my residence when I looked up in the sky and saw a flying saucer. I am not sure if you are aware about this in Russia, but aliens are real. I have seen them, and they have done things to me, horrible things. I don't like to talk about it very much, but I know I can trust you. Outside the lights of the big cities in America, we see all kinds of things most Americans ignore. I look forward to discussing these strange occurrences with you more in the future. Please don't tell anyone.
My job requires that I make the long drive into Artesia every morning. I have sent a picture of myself from a few weeks ago while I was working [the picture above is the one I sent her]. I love my job; I feel I perform a real service to my community. Your story is sad, but it is nice to know you've kept a positive perspective throughout this ordeal. It reminds me a lot of dear old Mrs. Ellensworth's stories of her late husband Ethan. Ethan Ellensworth fought in World War 2 and returned unscathed. Two weeks after he returned home he was viciously attacked by wolves. He lost his arm from the bites. Ethan never complained about his wounds or about the numerous painful rabies shots he had to get in his stomach. Mrs. Ellensworth always reminds me that despite how horrible life can be; the main thing is to remain positive. However, I do wonder why she screams very loudly when she is sleeping.
You asked me two questions. I love Mad Dog 20/20, it's a fruit alcohol drink that is fantastic. I only drink when the memories of the aliens are too much. I am not rude to women. I like trains, I don't like buses. I like airplanes, but I don't like helicopters. I like Star Wars, but I don't like Aliens. I like shoes, but I don't like socks. I hope these things help you to get to know me better.
Now I wait for the next chapter to unfold. Who knows where we go from here. Will Natalia confront my alien obsession? Will she ask for more information about my job? Does she want to know about life in Artesia, New Mexico or is she going to skip all those logical questions and ask for money to secure her flight to the United States? Only time will tell how this story unfolds.Thanks so much for writing,
Michael
"the truth is out there"
Posted by nemov at 5:48 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
October 11, 2006
from russia with love
A few days ago an unknown stranger emailed me at work from an internet café wanting to meet me in a couple of weeks. I had pretty much given up hoping she would return my last email. Today however I was pleasantly surprised to see an email from Natalia. She's from Russia and it's a pretty complicated situation. For the sake of convenience I am going to assume that this is a woman that wrote this, although I'm aware anyone could be behind this scam.The email today came from another email address; I can't keep up with all of these. Here's a brief part of what she wrote, it's too long to post the entire thing.
The thing is that I will work in your country for three months or so and I would like to meet a nice man to fall in love or just be closest friends. I don't want to live in Russia because I have not any chances here, it is hardly possible to explain from first time but I want you to know my plans. I will work in some clinic as a dentist or as an assistant (for the first time), the agency that i am going through will suggest me some locations. It will be my choice in the end as to what option to go for. This way I will be able to earn some money and pay for all my expenses. I can choose any city or town.There are some absolutely priceless moments further on in the letter, click here to read the rest. For example she assures me that she doesn't have "the looks of Julia Roberts or Angelina Jolie but I really hope to meet my prince." How can I not just fall in love with this kind of literature? Natalia sent me three pictures in all, at least they all look like the same person. I really wanted to impress her so I thought long and hard before I wrote back. Here are the fruits of my labor.
Thanks for writing Natalia. Since you took the time to write a little about yourself I thought I'd take a moment to tell you a few things about my life in the United States. I have a wonderful job as a municipal waste management supervisor. I know it sounds technical, so most people just call me the "garbage man." In America, it is a title held with distinction and pride. I have worked as a "garbage man" now for four years and if I continue to work hard, I'll advance to assistant waste facility manager in a few years.
I rent a small bedroom from an elderly woman. It's small and occasionally I've had to put out rodents, but it's home. The rent is low and Mrs. Ellensworth is nice to me. She really has an optimistic view of the world. Her husband tragically died of lead poisoning from the house, but she says it's all fixed now.
I look forward to getting to know you better, and getting to meet you. You look pretty in your pictures, although it is difficult for me to see with these thick glasses.
Talk to you soon,If she decides to write back I guess I'll have to find a picture of a guy with thick glasses. The thought of my lucrative lifestyle will likely put an end to this love affair. Whatever happened to true love, or for richer or poorer? It's a bad year for devotion.
Michael
Posted by nemov at 6:10 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
October 2, 2006
going out with you (me)
At my current place of employment I have become the email catch all. I'm the guy who gets the email when someone decides to send a general email to .com. This means I wade through hundreds of junk emails every morning. It's annoying especially on Monday mornings, but someone has got to do it. Today it all changed. Some pretty girl out there decided to email me from an internet café. Here is what I received.
-----Original Message-----
From: Cameron [mailto:owgwiiv@ctv.es]
Sent: Monday, October 02, 2006 3:18 PM
Subject: going out with you
Hire, i am here sitting in the internet caaffe. Found your e!mail and decided to write. I might be coming to your place in 14 days, so I decided to email you. May be we can meet? I am 25 y.o. girl. I have a picture if you want. No neead to reply here as this is not my email. aWrite me at nfy@globemailz.com
How sweet and there's no doubt in my mind that this kind of correspondence is legit. I'm a nice looking enough guy to pull in this kind of random email (if you haven't caught on to the sarcasm of this entry yet I feel sorry for you). It wouldn't be the first time some random person has sent me and email or an IM. If I'm lucky (or unlucky) maybe this will be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Without even thinking I sent a response. I can't let her get restless, she'll be here in a couple of weeks.
-----Original Message-----
From: Michael
Sent: Monday, October 02, 2006 2:58 PM
To: 'nfy@globemailz.com'
Subject: RE: going out with you
This is great! I can't wait to meet you. It's so funny you just stumbled across my email address like that. It must be fate; I don't have any reservations at all about this sort of thing. Do you need any money? By all means send pictures!I can't wait to hear from you,
Michael
Now the waiting begins. I can't wait to see what she has to say. I wonder what she looks like. If she happens to send photographs I'll be happy to post them. However I have this sinking feeling like if they do come they won't be appropriate. Better yet, they'll probably be some cost involved in sending the picture. Of course I'll pay whatever nominal fee it is to see the picture because I'd have to be insane to meet this person without knowing what she looks like. Yes, I'm that shallow. Frankly she has to be attractive because her grammar is positively atrocious.
Posted by nemov at 9:40 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack